


In Vino Veritas

by DRHPaints



Category: American (US) Actor RPF, Bill Hader - Fandom, Bill Hader RPF, Kristen Wiig RPF, Saturday Night Live RPF, US Comedians RPF
Genre: Cunnilingus, Drunk Sex, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Friends to Lovers, One Shot, Smut, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:42:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26979031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DRHPaints/pseuds/DRHPaints
Summary: Bill and Kristen are sharing a hotel room while doing press for ‘Adventureland.’ After getting drunk, they end up having sex and the next morning they hazily piece things together.
Relationships: Bill Hader/Kristen Wiig
Kudos: 12





	In Vino Veritas

**Author's Note:**

> Requested by wiigshader on tumblr. Hope you enjoy!

Entering the hotel room with a heavy sigh, Bill let his head fall back, firm arms hanging toward the floor.”Damn, that was a long ass day.”

Nodding in agreement, Kristen puffed out her cheeks and flopped down on one of the queen beds. “Yeah. Fucking press. Always takes at least twice as long as you think it’s going to.” They had a blast doing _Adventureland_ together, but the press circuit after was killing them.

“That’s for sure.” Bill sat on the other mattress, toeing off his sneakers and kicking them haphazardly across the room. “And you gotta love answering the same fucking questions over and over again.”

Kristen gave a light chuckle. “Right?” Sighing, she shook her head and came up on her elbows. “You want to just order room service? I think I’m done with people for the day.”

“Same.” Bill nodded. “Sounds good.”

They perused the menu, making their selections, and Kristen picked up the phone. She knew Bill found making calls anxiety-inducing sometimes and didn’t mind helping him out. “Hey.” She paused with her finger hovering over the buttons. “Should we get some wine or something? I don’t know about you…” Kristen lifted a shoulder and raised her eyebrow. “But after today I kinda want to get a little tipsy.”

“Ugh, _yes!”_ Eyes falling shut, Bill dropped his head back and held his large hands aloft. “That sounds amazing.”

Nodding, Kristen dialed and waited for the hotel to answer. “Yes, hello, I’d like to order some room service, please...Room 221...The grilled tilapia and roast chicken, please...Just want to double check, there are no nut products on anything in the chicken, potatoes, or vegetables, right?” Bill grinned at Kristen’s thoughtfulness as she cradled the receiver against her ear, nodding. “Okay, good...Oh, and could we get two…” Her eyes flicked up to Bill, and she smiled. “Make that three bottles of Pinot Noir?...Thank you.”

“Three bottles?” Prominent dark eyebrows hiking up his forehead, Bill smiled. “We’re gonna get silly.”

“Bill.” Dropping her chin, Kristen looked up at him through her eyelashes. “When are we _not_ silly?” 

Chuckling a bit, Bill raised a broad shoulder. “That’s fair.”

Food and drink arriving soon after, they tucked in at the tiny hotel table. Kristen grinned as Bill wrapped his wide mouth around the chicken leg, sucking the meat off the bone and humming appreciatively. Catching her looking at him, Bill held a hand in front of his face. “What?” 

“Nothing.” Kristen shook her head, removing a shrimp from her skewer with a fork. “The way you eat is just...amusing.”

Bill glanced down at his plate, then at Kristen, then frowned. “What’s wrong with the way I eat?”

“Oh Bill, nothing.” Letting out a half laugh, Kristen reached out to squeeze his forearm in consolation. “You just enjoy your food. That’s all.”

A half smile appeared on Bill’s face and he nodded. “Okay then.” Pouring two plastic cupfuls of wine, they sipped as they finished their meals, making it through the first bottle. Uncorking the second and rubbing his little belly delightedly, Bill hopped into bed. “Should we see what’s on TV?”

“Sure.” Climbing onto the other mattress with the third bottle of wine, they gave up on the cups, tilting their heads back and drinking deep.

“Oooh, _Forensic Files._ ” Bill exclaimed, settling down on the pillow and rubbing his large hands together excitedly.

Chuckling, Kristen shook her head. “You know your obsession with murder is vaguely concerning.”

Turning to her slowly, Bill raised an eyebrow, face falsely serious. “I killed the last person who talked to me that way.”

Laughing, Kristen composed herself and put on her best Lady News Anchor voice. “ _SNL_ funny man Bill Hader was arrested today after 40 bodies were discovered in his New York apartment. Apparently Mr. Hader carved the lips off of every corpse, saying he _‘didn’t want any of them to break character_ ’.”

A peal of uncontrollable giggles overtook Bill and he had to set his bottle on the bedside stand. As self conscious as he got about laughing during a taping, Kristen adored seeing the evidence of his mirth. Bill’s slightly smaller left eye would shrink to a sliver as his face scrunched, his overbite exaggerated as his body tipped and he slapped his knee, rocking as the high pitched squeals eked out of him and he hopelessly tried to compose himself again and again.

“No one would be surprised.” Shaking his head, Bill wiped his eyes. “It’s always, ‘Oh he was so quiet, such a nice guy, I never would’ve guessed.’ But if I got arrested everyone would say, ‘Yup. 110%. Bill’s been hacking people up for years. No doubt in my mind’.”

Kristen cackled. “Yes. Absolutely true.” Taking a swig, she rested back on the headboard and frowned. “Damn, I can’t really see the TV from this angle.”

“Just come over here.” Bill shrugged.

Nodding, Kristen got up and joined him on the other bed. They watched as the mystery unfolded, and about halfway through the episode, Bill shook his head. “These people are so fucking _stupid_ sometimes. Wouldn’t you think if you were planning on killing someone, you’d put a little more thought into it?”

“Right?” Kristen raised an eyebrow and made a face. “Like they spend years fantasizing about murdering their wife or whatever, and then it’s just, ‘Oh let me grab this knife with no gloves and toss it casually in the backyard. Well, guess that’s that. Gonna go hit up my mistress now and leave my wife’s corpse just chilling in the bedroom’.”

Halfway through a swallow of wine, Bill spit it out over the sheets in his laughter. “ _Bill!”_ Shoving his expansive shoulder, Kristen chuckled. “Damn, now they’re really going to think someone was murdered in here.” She shook her head, looking down at the deep red stains sinking into the fabric.

Bill raised an eyebrow and lowered his tone to his best true-crime voice over impression. “ _Next on: Forensic Files. Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig. This is what happens when the laughter_ stops!”

Throwing her head back, Kristen clutched her stomach in glee before slouching down lower on the mattress, sipping on the Pinot. A commercial came up and Bill turned to Kristen, finding that the image of the room came along a little bit after. “Hey, so that last guy who interviewed us today...he was kind of...weird, right?”

Swallowing, Kristen lowered her bottle and nodded, discovering she had to blink to focus. “Yeah. That was so...awkward.”

“It really was.” Bill puffed out his cheeks. “Do you think there was a lag in his feed or something? Is that why there were so many long pauses?”

“Must’ve been.” Taking a deep draft, Kristen agreed. “But still. He was strange. I mean...what was with that question about, ‘do you regret not having any sex scenes together’?”

“Right?” Bill held up a wide palm. “Who asks that?”

Quietly drinking for a moment, Bill peeked at Kristen out of the corner of his cobalt eyes. Kristen’s gaze slid over to Bill soon after as she polished off her bottle, placing it on the bedside stand. A minute passed during which _Forensic Files_ resumed.

“It’d be pretty funny if we did, right?” Bill murmured, intently facing the screen as he killed off the last of his wine and set it aside.

Chuckling weakly, Kristen nodded. “Yeah. Funny.” Swallowing, she shifted on the bed. “But they always say…” Pausing, Kristen bit the inside of her cheek. “That filming sex scenes isn’t hot. Apparently, it’s just uncomfortable.” Facing Bill, Kristen peered into his sapphire eyes, his lips dyed a deep pink from the wine. “You know, with all the people around...”

“Yeah…” Bill’s gaze darted back and forth between Kristen’s eyes and her mouth. “I guess it’s not like...when you’re alone…”

Leaning. Faces close. So close. Lips touching. For a moment Bill and Kristen stilled, mouths pressed together and eyes shut before Kristen’s hand rose to cup Bill’s sharp jaw, his fingers winding into her auburn hair.

Bodies scooting closer together on the bed, their tongues began a sloppy dance as Bill tipped his head to deepen their kiss, caressing Kristen’s swan-like neck and exhaling audibly as he licked into her mouth. Kristen unzipped his blue hoodie, pushing it from Bill’s vast shoulders and he hastily tugged it loose from his wrists, tossing it to the floor.

The sounds of a grieving family member weren’t helping the mood, so Bill broke their kiss for a moment, slapping a hand over the remote and turning off the TV before fusing to Kristen’s lips once more. Sizable hand sneaking up her abdomen, Bill paused at her rib cage. “Is this okay?” He parted, studying her eyes. Bill loved how they would change from blue to green to gray, depending on the light and even Kristen’s mood.

“Yeah.” Kristen replied softly, taking his wrist and guiding him over her breast. “I...I want you, Bill.”

Drawing so near their noses touched, Bill nodded. “Me too.” Capturing her mouth again, Bill’s fingers massaged her as Kristen took the hemline of his gray t-shirt and peeled it overhead. Hands flowing over Bill’s chest and through the smattering of dark hair, Kristen tossed a leg around his waist and let out a chirp of appreciation when Bill hungrily grabbed a handful of her ass, rolling on top of her with a deep groan.

Fingers trailing through his long, silky hair, Kristen spread her legs and Bill began grinding his growing erection into her warmth through their jeans. Bill raised his head, looking down at Kristen as he plucked the sleeve of her black blouse. “Can I take this off?”

“Yeah.” Sitting up to assist him, she got caught for a moment, but between the two of them they removed her shirt and revealed Kristen’s black bra, which she promptly reached behind herself to unhook and fling across the room. 

For a minute Bill just stared down at her. Then, fingers gliding up from her navel and between her breasts before cupping one and squeezing gently, Bill shook his head, swallowing hard. “Fuck, Kristen…”

Taking his face in both hands, Kristen pulled Bill’s eyes back to her. “Kiss me.”

Dipping down, Bill linked their lips, his body rolling and fingers ensconcing themselves in her elegant hair. Kristen wedged an arm between them, fumbling with Bill’s zipper until she was able to sneak below the waistband of his boxers. Taking hold of his massive cock, they gasped in unison.

“Sorry.” Peering into his dark blue eyes, Kristen retracted her hand. “Too fast?” 

“No.” Bill shook his head. “It was just…” Threading back a strand from her forehead, Bill looked straight up, clenching his teeth and causing the muscles in his jaw to flicker. “You know how you picture something? And you think you know what it’s going to be like?”

Kristen nodded. “Yeah.”

A wide smile blossomed on Bill’s face. “Well, I wasn’t prepared I guess.” Shrugging, he caressed Kristen’s cheek.

“ _You_ weren’t prepared…” Kristen rolled her eyes. “What about me?” Bill furrowed his brow and blinked at her in confusion. “Bill….” Grin growing on her face, Kristen’s eyes shifted. “You...you might be the most anxious man I know. You’re so irrationally insecure about your performances…” 

Sighing, Bill nodded. “Yeah, I know…”

Folding her lip under to stop herself giggling, Kristen closed her eyes. “So...let’s just say I was not expecting you to be so...well...it just doesn’t make sense that you’re not a confident man.”

It took Bill a second, but then his eyes darted from side to side and a tiny smirk played over his pink lips as he turned his head. “Oh. Thanks.”

Chuckling, Kristen held his sculpted jaw, drawing Bill in and knitting their lips together. Once again her fingers crept down to encircle his cock, lightly tugging, and Bill thrust into the warm circle of her fist as he undid her jeans, slithering below her panties to discover Kristen wet and ready.

Lengthy fingers swirling over her clit, Kristen rocked into Bill’s big hand and released a contented mewl. Fingers clinging to his broad shoulder, Kristen’s moans interrupted their kissing as Bill’s wrist raced between her legs and she rutted against him. 

“ _Bill! Bill! Yes!_ ” Kristen breathed, eyes clenching and nails digging into his skin as her body folded into him. Quivering, her thighs snapped shut around his hand and Bill observed as her eyes fluttered, her curvaceous mouth agape in the moments between whispering his name, and even in his inebriation Bill knew he sealed the image in his mind forever.

Sitting back on his heels, Bill removed Kristen’s jeans before standing and shrugging off his own. Kristen coyly hooked her thumbs under her panties, eyes on Bill as she inched them down and they fluttered to the floor. Clearing his throat, Bill unceremoniously dropped his boxers, holding his hands awkwardly in front of himself before rejoining Kristen on the bed.

Naked and suddenly shy, they sat next to one another in silence, not touching for a moment, before Kristen extended a hand, resting it atop Bill’s and leaning forward to capture his lips.

“Wait.” Bill touched her shoulder.

Kristen sat back. “What’s up?”

“We, um…” Glancing around the room, Bill frowned. “We don’t have a condom. Well, I don’t. Do you?”

“Oh.” Waving dismissively, Kristen smiled. “I’m on the pill. It’s fine.”

“Oh thank goodness.” Sighing, Bill hooked a hand around the back of her head and they shuffled down onto the bed. “Sorry, I just didn’t want to wait.”

“Yeah.” Kristen looked into his eyes. “Four years is long enough.”

Bill grinned before swooping in to kiss her, licking into Kristen’s mouth voraciously as his hard cock notched between the slick lips of her pussy, sliding up and down tantalizingly as the wide head skipped over her clit.

Moaning into his mouth, Bill pulled back, shaking his head, fingers fisted in her hair. “Kristen...I...can I go down on you?”

“Yeah.” She nodded enthusiastically and Bill scrambled over her body before she even completed the word, hoisting her thighs over his shoulders and diving forward with his crisp jaw. Licking her open with his long tongue, Bill clamped his hands over her hips and in his rapacity, immediately enveloped her clit with his soft lips and sucking intensely.

“Oh Bill! Oh _fuck...that’s...that’s…_ ” Writhing, Kristen wound her fingers into his dark locks as Bill devoured her, sounds of his arousal buzzing against her sensitive flesh as he humped his persistent erection into the sheets.

Rotating her pelvis into his eager face, Kristen arched her back as her screams rose and she tore at Bill’s hair. “ _Fuck! Bill! Yes! Don’t stop!_ ” 

Dripping down his chin, Bill was unsure if it was the alcohol or the sounds of Kristen’s ecstasy that made him light headed and giddy as he ravenously consumed her, the urge to touch himself almost insatiable. 

“ _Bill! Yes! Bill!_ ” Heels kicking over his broad back, Kristen violently quaked, thrashing back and forth and crying out his name. Releasing her grip on his hair, Bill’s mouth continued its ministrations and Kristen tapped his shoulder, shaking her head. “Bill...Bill, I’m good.”

Rising, Bill wiped his face. “Oh, alright.” Giving a little grin, he kissed his way up her breathless body. 

Kristen combed her fingers through his silky hair. “Fuck me, Bill.”

Breath catching, Bill released a shaky exhale, tracing her lower lip and nodding before reaching between them to take his cock in hand. Swiping over her entrance, Bill looked into Kristen’s eyes. “Ready?”

“Yeah.” Kristen smiled, cupping his face.

Tipping forward, Bill’s eyes fell closed and he groaned. “Oh fuck, Kristen... _fuck_.” Stilling inside of her, Bill rested their foreheads together and they spent a moment just breathing in silence before he retracted and began swiveling his hips. Kristen draped an arm about his neck, the other going to Bill’s small love handle to guide him as he slithered a hand between them to fiddle over her clit.

“How’s that?” Licking his lips, Bill examined her eyes. “Is this okay?”

Planting her feet in the mattress, Kristen undulated her pelvis into his. “Yeah.” Swallowing, she nodded. “So good, Bill.”

Claiming her lips, their tongues sought the solace of each other’s mouths, silently spelling out years of unsaid words as, after a couple of uncoordinated, tipsy minutes, their bodies developed a steady cadence. Driving herself onto his thick cock, Kristen’s fingers dug into Bill’s pale skin, urgently drawing him near. “ _Bill! Yes! Fuck me!”_

Kristen’s body flickering around him, Bill came up on one knee, vigorously pounding into her as he frantically brushed his mouth over her cheek, her neck, her collarbone. “ _Oh Kristen, yes! You feel so good! Fuck! Yes!”_

Tremulous shriek escaping her lips, Kristen cinched around his pummeling cock, body straining before she seized beneath him, limbs rattling uncontrollably. “ _Bill! Bill, fuck! Fuck! Yes!”_ Hips moving of their own volition she continued to slam into him as she shuddered, Bill’s movements growing frenetic as he cradled Kristen’s head to his own.

“ _Oh Kristen! Yes! Fuck! I’m gonna cum! Fuck! FUCK!_ ” With a helpless whimper, Bill hammered into her irregularly and froze, a high, strangled whine ripping from his chest before he shivered, hot cum pulsing inside of Kristen before he deflated, spent and sweating.

Kristen’s aftershocks throbbed around him and soft noises continued to trickle from Bill’s pink lips as he gulped oxygen, lengthy fingers trickling through Kristen’s reddish hair as he rested his eyes. 

Gradually rolling off, Kristen nestled under his arm, craning her neck to twist off the lamp before they quietly hoisted the blanket over themselves. The hotel air conditioner whirred as Kristen drifted off on Bill’s chest, his hand drawing invisible patterns over her back until he lost consciousness and it fell still.

“Housekeeping!” Snorting awake, Bill and Kristen both sat up in alarm. Kristen rubbed her face and peered at the clock with one bleary eye. It was 11:15 and they’d slept through checkout.

“Um…” Kristen called out, holding the blanket over her chest, voice still thick from sleep. “Can you come back a little later?”

“Okay, thank you.” They responded through the door and Kristen rubbed the heel of her hand into her eye socket before turning around. “Oh…” Seeing Bill beside her, shirtless and presumably naked, eyes wide as he inched back on the bed, she swallowed hard. “Hey…”

Bill gave a small nod. “Hey…” Gaze shifting, he cleared his throat. “So...last night…”

Brain foggy, images started flitting through her mind and Kristen ran a hand over her face. “Right...yeah.”

Keeping the sheet firmly around his waist, Bill sat at the top of the bed. “I...everything’s kind of hazy.” Bill could clearly remember Kristen’s face distorted with desire, the sound of her voice repeatedly climbing over his name, the taste of her skin, the sensation of her warm, wet body around him. But how they got there...that was muddled.

“Kristen, I didn’t…” Throat tight, Bill stared hard at the bed. “If I...talked you into it or...or made you do something...fuck.” Shaking his head, Bill brought his fingers to his brow. “I’ll never be able to live with myself.”

“Oh Bill, no.” Extending her hand, Kristen touched his arm. “No, it wasn’t anything like that.”

Blinking up, Bill’s face was hesitant. “You’re sure?”

“Positive.” Kristen nodded. “You were very respectful. And…” Smiling, she lifted a shoulder and her eyes slid away. “I...I wanted that for a long time…”

A sheepish grin painting his features, Bill bobbed his head. “Me too.”

Timidly they approached one another across the bed, mouths joining in the briefest of pecks before they sat back, cheeks reddening. Eyes colliding and bouncing away from one another as they smiled, Bill’s hands fidgeted in his lap. “Well…” He shrugged. “I guess doing promo isn’t all bad.”

“Yeah.” Kristen reached over, covering Bill’s anxious fingers with her own. “Definitely worth it.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read. If you enjoyed this story, please leave a comment or come say hi on tumblr at fandomtransmandom. I also take requests!


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